On Finding Love Later in Life
Despite its elusiveness and potential for pain, love is something all humans – and possibly non-humans, as well – long for. Love means, at least in theory, warmth and companionship, safety and trust, joy and fulfilment. Finding love is a rewarding event at any age, as soon as we become aware of own own existence in the world as separate beings from those aroud us. I am leaving the philosphical implications of our need for love for another post as well as the ways in which love can be maintained long-term, and I am focusing in the following lines on some specific ideas on finding love tailored for middle-aged heterosexual women in today’s world. While the quest for love might turn frustrating at times, I believe it is important to remember that enjpying the ride while keeping in mind the final goal is a helpful mindset when setting out once again to recognize and grasp the fruits of romantic endeavours.
As the old adage goes, before finding a new partner, it is important to review one’s own life, the way it has developed throughout the years and decades and to observe elements which could be improved: personal development is not simply a buzz-words of recent marketing strategists, but a life-long journey for us, those born to live eight to nine decades. The decision to work on oneself might lead you to engage in activities that boost your confidence and well-being, such as exercise, meditation, or pursuing a new hobby, be it individually by reading self-help books and listening to educational materials or by taking classes, namely enrolling in courses and/or workshops to learn new skills and meet like-minded persons. In my own experience, I have prefered to move forward at my own pace, so that the project of self-improvement does not become one more to-do task on my already over-complicated schedule. This is not to say that more targeted activities towards encountering new people and interacting with them on a regular basis, such as volunteering or professional networking, are not a wholesome alternative for those more extroverites among us: getting involved in community service to meet people who share your values such as compassion and caring for those around us while contributing to a cause one is concerned about, and/or attending work-related networking events or conferences, lead, sometimes, to sparking connection which might develop, in their turn, into more private synergies on the premise of shared interests. Furthermore, casually immersing oneself in activities one enjoys, such as book clubs, hiking or hobby groups, cooking or fitness classes, provides a natural way to meet like-minded individuals, as does the participation in social events, such as parties , local festivals, social gatherings in the neighbourhood. Depending on one’s own proclivities, expanding one’s own social circle leads, in the short-term, to a more vibrant life, and in the mid-term, to increased existential joy and a sense of belonging, apart from the long-term benefits of learning new skills and gradually developing a better self.
In parallel, discretely, gently letting friends and family know you are open to meeting new people, opens the possibility that they might know someone who is a good match. At the same time, it pays off to discover what exactly you are looking for in a future partner so that clarity and honesty in screening candidates ensues. Working with a therapist or life coach will help to understand one’s relationship patterns and potentially improve one’s approach to dating and forming interpersonal relationships – both private and professional. This can occur, naturally, by reading dedicated books and listening to educations materials, which is by far less costly and equally convenient. In my own journey towards healing and personal expansion, working on myself by myself has proved one of the best and most wholesome activities to engage in. In the long run, it might be helpful to take into account travel groups designed for singles or middle-aged individuals, as shared experiences can create strong bonds. However, caution is strongly recommended, as precisely group tours and the illusionary proximity stemming from time spent together can lead to a false sense of closeness. From my experience, going on solo explorations to places I have never been before fostered the encounter with new people which, even if it did not lead automatically to romantic developments, it did show me unexpected aspects of the world and of life which enriched my life nonetheless. Altogether, being open to new experiences and saying yes more often to invitations and fresh challenges which pushed me out of my comfort zone enhanced my perception and processing of my existential trajectory even without romantic entanglements.
While I would not necessarily recommend them, online dating and the utilization of social media are vastly suggested by experts in the area of dating and matching, as are the employment of professional specialists such as matchmaking services which can provide personalized introductions. On the one side, even the most reputable dating sites or apps, specifically catering to middle-aged individuals, such as Match.com, eHarmony, or OurTime, or more generally oriented at the larger population, are chock-full with fake profiles and scammers, preying on the vulnerable. Regardless of how truthful you are in your interests, intentions, desires, pictures, the probability to be approached by evil actors is sky-high. The same goes for social media platforms, in case you might want to try to reconnect with people from your past: the larger, the more dangerous in terms of negative encounters. While less aggressive in this concern, online communities and forums which might be share your interests can mediate powerful delusions of closeness and empathy while never moving away from the virtual spaces. On the other hand, matchmaking agencies are keen on keeping customers hooked for as long as it is possible and charge astronomic fees in accordance with their presumed socioeconomic status. The marketing strategy that “high value attracts high value” implies that the higher perceived value, the better, which in turn creates a never-ending spiral of costs and money-mediated impressions which can easily wind up in uncontrollable expenses.
Altogether, based on corresponding literature, my own experiences and empirical observations of people I know directly and indirectly, the best way to find love later in life, when both one’s life-story and present circumstances call for caution, is to move forward in the real world with grace and self-awareness. Seeking for love in the cyberspaces is incredibly enticing due to its easiness in connecting with new people and the delusional nature of virtual encounters, which seem real but elude the messiness of real-life interactions. Gentle slowness is the new romantic elegance: in the here and now, building up the future while embracing the present.
