I have never been a gaslighter myself, but I have known more gaslighters – and manipulators, for that matter – than regular people had known normal humans. (Conversely, I have encountered very few, if any at all, healthy individuals during the first two or two-and-a-half decades of my life.) This essay, the first among several yet to be penned, is based on various discussions over the years with persons from my past, all of them not playing currently any sort of role in my life anymore, and their experiences with their own manipulative behaviors, gaslighting being one of the most preeminent and efficient form of psychological control they employed on others to make them obey to themselves by causing someone to doubt their sense of reality and their sanity as well as their perceptions and memories. Particularly in popular psychology, gaslighting, a term originating in the 1938 play Gas Light and its subsequent cinema adaptation from 1944, has garnered significant attention due to its destructive impact on mental health of those targeted by the malevolent perpetrators. Nonetheless, while much of the discourse centers on the victims of gaslighting, leaving out of the focus the gaslighters themselves, I believe it is important to bring into the spotlight the wrong-doers as it certainly help all and each of us towards self-awareness in recognizing and addressing gaslighting tendencies within oneself in parallel with effective strategies to counter and recover from such behaviors: an equally crucial endeavor if we want sustainable healing, both individually and collectively. This essay explores the tell-tale signs of being gaslighter, possible root causes of gaslighting demeanors, gaslighting manifestations in adulthood as well as adequate ways of moving away from being a gaslighter.

Recognizing Gaslighting Tendencies in Oneself

Recognizing gaslighting tendencies within oneself requires introspection and a willingness to confront uncomfortable truths. While self-reflection is the first step in recognizing whether you exhibit gaslighting behaviors or not, the problem with gaslighting behaviors and tendencies is that is astoshingly subtle – and yet powerful in its effects on others. Here are key indicators that you may be engaging in gaslighting:

1. Denial and/or Distortion of Others’ Reality, Experiences, Statements: Do you often tell others that their memories or perceptions are wrong, even when they are accurate and you know it? This can take the shape of denying events, twisting facts, insisting that your version of reality is the only true one, asserting they are overreacting or misremembering events. Frequently dismissing or questioning the experiences, feelings, or perceptions of others is a hallmark of gaslighting.

2. Undermining Confidence: Do you regularly make comments or engage in behaviors which make others question their judgments, decisions, or abilities? Phrases like “You are being too sensitive” or “You are imagining things” can and do erode someone’s confidence over time.

3. Blame-Shifting and Deflecting: Do you find yourself shifting blame onto others in order to avoid taking responsibility for your actions? Deflecting accountability by making others feel responsible for their own problems, mistakes, conflicts is a common tactic of gaslighters.

4. Manipulative Behaviors: Using manipulation to control or influence others, such as lying, withholding information, or twisting facts, is indicative of gaslighting – so it might be useful to reflect on whether you often manipulate situations to serve your interests. Furthermore, you know that by employing emotional manipulation, e.g., guilt, shame, fear to control or influence others’ actions, attitudes, even thoughts and emotions, as well as emotional blackmail, you create an environment in which others feel they cannot express their true feelings out of anxiety not to ignite your rage, so that they prefer to obey your moods, orders, wishes, just not to have to face your wrath.

5. Isolation: Do you try to isolate others from their support networks by sowing doubt about their friends, family, colleagues? This isolation makes individuals more dependent on you as the gaslighter for validation.

6. Projection: Do you accuse others of the very behaviors or attitudes that you exhibit? This projection deflects attention from your own actions and confuses the other person.

7. Creating Confusion: Gaslighters often create confusion and doubt. If you find yourself frequently contradicting previous statements or actions, making others question their memory or sanity, you more often than not surely engage in gaslighting.

8. Controlling Behaviors: A desire to control others’ thoughts, feelings, actions, and the ability to turn defensive or aggressive when challenged, clearly indicate gaslighting tendencies. By assess such dimensions, you can determine whether you have a pattern of controlling behaviors in your interpersonal encounters.

Root Causes of Gaslighting Behaviors

Understanding the root causes of gaslighting behaviors is essential for addressing and changing these patterns in oneself. Several socio-psychological factors (can) contribute to the emergence and development of gaslighting tendencies, with the top of the list being dominated by learned behaviors: this refers to the phenomenon in which gaslighting is appropriated through observation and imitation from significant figures in one’s life, such as parents, peers, siblings, educators, during one’s formative years in (early) childhood and adolescence. If manipulation and emotional abuse were normalized in your upbringing, you might unconsciously replicate these behaviors, as growing up in an environment in which gaslighting has been normalized can lead to the adoption of similar behaviors. No lesser significant, narcissistic personality traits such as a lack of empathy, a sense of entitlement, and an excessive need for admiration, are common among gaslighters, which lead to manipulative behaviors to maintain a superior self-image. Hand-in-hand with narcissistic traits goes the avoidance of accountability while wanting to play the domineering role in interpersonal power dynamics compounded by an almost pathological need for control: on the one hand, avoiding accountability for one’s actions and decisions is a common motivator for gaslighting, so that by shifting blame and creating confusion they evade responsibility and cultivate a sense of control; on the other hand, a desire for power and control over others, possibly stemming from past experiences of powerlessness and/or chaos, drive gaslighting behaviors, as (some of) those who feel powerless and without lack of control in certain aspects of their lives may resort to manipulation to assert dominance in relationships,.

Furthermore, gaslighters often struggle with deep-seated insecurities and low self-esteem, which they counter by undermining others in their attempts to boost their own sense of worth and control: a typical defense mechanism to protect their fragile self-esteem, in undermining others, they elevate themselves and avoid confronting their own vulnerabilities. Likewise, gaslighters fear abandonment and use manipulation to keep others close and dependent on them, gradually optimizing their efforts to control and undermine others with the goal of, ironically, maintaining relationships. Nonetheless, engaging in gaslighting can create cognitive dissonance, in which one’s actions conflict with their self-perception: in order to resolve this dissonance, gaslighters do their best to convince themselves that their behavior is justified or necessary. Last but not least, certain psychological disorders, such as narcissistic personality disorder or antisocial personality disorder, can predispose individuals to gaslighting behaviors as they often involve manipulative and controlling tendencies.

Manifestations of Gaslighting in Adulthood

Gaslighting behaviors can manifest in various aspects of adult life, affecting relationships, professional settings, and personal well-being:

1. Romantic Relationships: In romantic relationships, gaslighting can create a toxic dynamic in which one partner consistently undermines the other’s self-confidence and sense of reality, which leads in the long-term to emotional dependence for validation and decision-making, loss of self-esteem, and prolonged emotional distress, creating a vicious cycle of manipulation and control.

2. Family Dynamics: Within families, gaslighting can perpetuate cycles of abuse and dysfunction within toxic environments in which members feel invalidated and confused, as parents might gaslight children to maintain control, or siblings might manipulate each other to gain favor or avoid blame. For example, a gaslighting parent would manipulate their children’s or one of their children’s perceptions to maintain authority and control, leading to incredibly devastating long-term psychological impacts.

3.Workplace Environment: Gaslighting can occur in professional settings, in which individuals might manipulate colleagues or subordinates to achieve personal goals, gain power, avoid accountability, by spreading false information, taking credit for others’ work, sabotaging others’ success – this creates a hostile professional climate and undermines teamwork as well as productivity and eventually the public image of the organization.

4. Friendships: In friendships, gaslighting erodes trust and results in imbalanced relationships, in which a gaslighting friend constantly criticizes, belittles, manipulates others to feel superior, thus wrecking others’ or other’s feelings, opinions, experiences. This can lead to an imbalance of power and control, eroding trust and mutual respect.

5. Self-Perception, Internal Conflict, Distorted Self-Image: Gaslighters often struggle with their own self-perception, experiencing guilt, shame, or denial about their behaviors. Such an internal conflict can pave the way to guilt, anxiety, depression, a fragmented sense of self and a persistent fear of being exposed or losing control, tremendously impacting their mental health and overall well-being.

Strategies for Healing from Being a Gaslighter

Healing from gaslighting behaviors requires a commitment to self-awareness, honesty and accountability, as recognizing and addressing gaslighting behaviors is a challenging but necessary journey towards personal growth and healthier relationships. Here I outline some strategies to help anyone change their gaslighting patterns.

1. Self-Awareness and Reflection: Developing self-awareness is crucial. Begin by reflecting on your actions and their impact on others during such practices as journaling, mindfulness practices (meditation), and seeking feedback from trusted individuals – if you have any – so that you can gain insight into your actions and motivations.

2. Seek Professional Help: Working with a therapist or counselor can provide valuable support in addressing gaslighting tendencies, as trained therapists and counselors can help you explore underlying issues, develop healthier coping mechanisms, address any mental health concerns contributing to gaslighting behaviors and learn effective communication skills while providing valuable insights and guidance within as safe space of acceptance and understanding.

3. Empathy Development: Cultivating empathy involves taking into account and valuing others’ perspectives, thoughts and emotions while rehearsing active listening, validating others’ feelings, and making intentional effort to see situations from their point of view without judgment or dismissal.

4. Practice Accountability and Learn to Apologize: Taking responsibility for your actions is essential for personal growth. When you recognize manipulative-gaslighting behaviors and the harm they cause, acknowledge it, apologize, and commit to amends while avoiding deflecting blame or making excuses – this accountability is a significant step towards re-building trust and healing relationships, in those (few) cases in which this is still possible.

5. Healthy Communication: Develop healthy communication skills, such as assertiveness, honesty, clarity and respectful dialogue so that you can avoid manipulative tactics and intently strive for open, transparent, and constructive interactions. By improving your communication skills you can aim at effectively expressing your needs and concerns without resorting to manipulation.

6. Address Your Own Insecurities: Work on identifying and healing your insecurities and self-esteem issues. Building a positive self-image and self-worth can – and does – reduce the need to undermine others so that you feel better about yourself.

7. Set Healthy Boundaries: Establishing and respecting boundaries in relationships is vital for maintaining healthy dynamics – this is why you must learn to recognize the importance of autonomy and avoid trying to control others’ thoughts, feelings, or actions. By learning to set and respect boundaries, both for yourself and others, you will significantly contribute to creating healthy and respectful interactions, therefore reducing the likelihood of manipulative behaviors, both in yourself and in others.

8. Engage in Self-Compassion and Forgive Yourself: Be kind to yourself as you work through changing your behaviors and understand that personal growth is a process during which mistakes, relapses, hesitations naturally occur along the way. While self-compassion helps you stay motivated and resilient, forgiving yourself for past behaviors allows you to sustainably make positive changes as a testament to your commitment to becoming a better person.

9. Build Healthy Relationships: Surround yourself with helpful, non-judgmental individuals who encourage your growth and hold you accountable, as supportive relationships deliver positive reinforcement and motivate you to stay committed to your personal development while providing a safety net during challenging times.

10. Educate Yourself: Learning about healthy relationship dynamics, psychological manipulation, and emotional intelligence will bring forth valuable insights and tools for change. Educate yourself through books, workshops, support groups, online resources, trained professional if you can afford it, and remember that personal growth is an ongoing adventure during which your commitment to continual self-improvement, internalizing new information, and adapting, will carry you much farther than ever envisioned. Trust the journey – and trust yourself!

Conclusion

Recognizing and addressing gaslighting behaviors within oneself requires courage, honesty, self-awareness, and a ironclad commitment to personal growth towards normal, robust interhuman interactions. By acknowledging your actions, understanding the root causes of gaslighting and its manifestations in adult life, committing to change and implementing strategies for healing, it is possible to transform manipulative patterns into healthier, genuine, respectful connections with yourself and with others. Remember: the pathway to healing requires patience, self-compassion, and a willingness to embrace vulnerability, accountability and generosity. Although challenging, this journey benefits not only the gaslighter him-/herself, but also those surrounding him/her by fostering healthier and more authentic relationships with others, ultimately leading to a more fulfilling and harmonious life.